Cheney: America's Most Wanted

Originally uploaded by bdlyles.

Special Report from John Walsh

Officials are looking for answers concerning one 78-year-old Richard B. Cheney. While on a hunting trip during the weekend of February 10, 2006, Richard Cheney suddenly turned on a friend, cold-bloodedly shooting the man in the face. He claims he was actually shooting at either a bird or enemy terrorist aircraft, but there is more to this story.

Dick, as Cheney has always been called by his friends, and now by his enemies as well, was once a successful business man, a former oil mogul with many questionable yet influential interests all over the world. However, he suddenly changed his career several years ago, and he has spent much of the last six years hobnobbing with Federal politicians in the Washington, DC region. In fact, it is known that he was indeed in the DC area during the infamous sniper incidents in 2001, but we are told, he was never considered a suspect…. Shockingly, it has also been learned that Cheney is a frequent visitor to the Capitol and the White House, but the exact level of his influence and connection to the President, other politicians and lobbyists has never been publicly revealed.

After Sunday’s incident, Richard Cheney should now be considered armed and dangerous. He reportedly has a serious heart condition, but this has not stopped him before. And his enemies will say that he has no heart at all and may not even be a member of the human race. This would explain his awkward, fake-looking grin that may actually be part of a disguise. Rumors indicate that Cheney may devour his young and may have actually nibbled on the face of the alleged “shooting” victim. Or he may have tried to remove the face for himself, to replace his own aging human mask. This rumor is immediately denied by officials, but if it is indeed true, we could be facing a sinister alien threat that could endanger our entire section of the universe.

In addition to the shooting and possible intergalactic crimes, he is also wanted for questioning about renewing a $7 permit fee.

Everyone should be on alert. Due to his government connections, Cheney has special access to Federal Reserve cash, Fort Knox gold and special presidential airplanes that could take him anywhere in the world. If you suspect him to be in your area, do not attempt to apprehend him or to make contact on your own, especially if you want to keep your face. Call America’s Most Wanted at 1-800-CRIME-TV.

10 Things We’ve Learned from the Continental Press Homework Assignment

(Written in response to a Baltimore mother’s protest, as reported by WBAL-TV, about a school book, produced by Continental Press, with a 4th Grade homework assignment that asks students to imagine that the four jacks in a deck of cards are about to rob a house. The reading assignment even includes dialogue encouraging an escape from the police.)

• Our worse fears are true… Crime IS being sanctioned and taught in the public school system!

• Someone in Baltimore City Public Schools has either an inappropriate sense of humor or some very low morals.

• At least one parent in Baltimore is showing an interest in their child’s homework.

• Distributing a coaching book to parents to help them understand the assignment was not enough.

• The fact that four “jacks” instead of “queens” are the subject of the assignment could be an argument for gender or transgender discrimination.

• Book burning may not be such a bad idea.

• We should be worried that the Grand Theft Auto video game is being used in driver education class.

• The people at Continental Press like card games.

• Because robbery is already being taught in 4th Grade, kids will be better prepared for murder and rape assignments in high school, followed by global terrorism in college.

• Dick and Jane are dead and gone.

A Painter, a Bottle Cap and a Close Shave

On this day, back in 1892, Baltimore’s William Painter patented the Crown Cork (US patent 468,258), the first bottle cap. This fact brings back memories…

No, I am not old enough to remember 1892, but I am old enough to remember when all soda bottles, not just beer, sported a cork-lined crown of metal. I also remember walking along streets in West Baltimore that were “decorated” with many of these discarded bottle caps, embedded in the surface of my childhood black asphalt jungle. I remember the tall, elegantly thin glass bottles of soda of the time, and I remember visiting Mexico, years later, and going to a soda shop in Guadalajara that served sodas in similar glass bottles. (Of course, because of returning bottles for deposits and recycling, maybe some of these were even some of the same bottles.) Later, I remember my time at the Baltimore Museum of Industry as its Development / Marketing Director. At the museum, the Crown Cork & Seal Company (renamed from the Bottle Seal Company, due to the success of the new crown cork) was featured prominently on the museum’s Maryland Milestones wall of fame. The company, no longer based in Baltimore, is now known as Crown Holdings, but I do remember them as a contributor to the museum. And, reportedly, it was the crown cork, the first popular disposable product, that actually inspired a salesman for the company, King C. Gillette, to invent an equally successful throwaway product – the disposable razor.